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The 
Larl of 
Royster Ray 



By "PERHAPS" BACON 
Price 15 Cents 



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Mi. 



The Earl 

of 

Royster Ray 



"PERHAPS" BACON 



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COPYRIGHT 1916 

THE BRONSON CANODE PRINTING CO 

CHICAGO 




©CI. A 4 :m 4^*1 
Mdy 15/9/6 

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ACT I-SCENE I 

Transparent curtain showing King's 
Palace built like White House— on 
face. Light turned on to show in- 
visible Government at dinner. Light 
turned leaving King's Palace in view. 



Enter the EARL OF ROYSTER RAY, 
accompanied by the DUKE OF FER- 
KUM and the ROYAL JESTER 

following. 



Duke of Perkum : 

How now my Royal Master — why 
so dull ? By my strong sword, I have 
not seen thy teeth since yestermorn, 
when at my prophecy of returning 
prosperity to our house, thou did'st 
smile. Come, my Royal Master, there 
is the Palace and here am I— come— 
come, change the gloom to sunshine. 
I prithe show thy teeth. 



Earl of Royster Ray : 
If I did, 'twould be to bite. 

Duke: 
Not me? 

Earl : 

Nay, nay, most grateful friend. 

The Fool : 

Not me, my Rising Sun ? 

Earl: 

Go to, thou fool. If bite I must 
'twould be in anger. Wise men are 
never angry with their friends or 
fools. 

Both seated. 

Earl: 

I am agrieved at all the world. The 
strange conditions mocking my worthy 
ambitions. Aye, there is the Palace, 



and the Earl of Jersey reigning like a 
dolt, consuming emoluments that 
should be mine and receiving most de- 
vout worship from the pie counter and 
its friends. There's mine enemy — the 
Earl of Haven, erstwhile King, whose 
very interior I do most despise, smil- 
ing in his fatness as though I and all 
within the Kingdom were mere jokes. 
Why in our last Joust on the Field of 
Cago, by most foul stroke did he un- 
horse me, and belikes rolled me like a 
farmer in the mud. Aye, by all the 
gods, too shameful that he did it with 
rollers I myself had loaned him and 
taught him the clever touch of how to 
use the same. And though we doped 
the ugly beast on which he rode, and 
gave the crown to the stupid Earl of 
Jersey, still they both like witless louts 
smile, while hate and malice vie, like 
fighting dogs, in gnawing at my heart. 

Duke: 

Come, come, my Star of Hope. Thou 



hast no wounds that tenancy in yon- 
der Palace cannot heal. I have read 
the stars and from the unseen elf's 
they make thy tenancy assured. 

Earl: 

A vaunt, with spooks and elves. The 
invisible Government is more to the 
point — 

Smiles. 

Duke: 

Ah ha, now by the gullet of the gods 
he smiles, and lifting back the curtain 
of his molars, the world is bright with 
this our mutual understanding. Ring 
the bells. Fire the tocsin. 

Jester rings bells on his cap and 
fires a pop gun. 

Earl: 

I prithe, not so fast, if so be this is a 
dream. I have so often dreamed! 



(pinches himself) No I am awake! 

Sit thee my friend and tell me with 
coolness — How stands the case? Re- 
member 'tis no child's play. By rule 
of our Kingdom, by children long ago 
adopted, the Esquires, yoemen, boors 
and all have voice in coming joust 
wherein they pick their King, for the 
stout period of four years. If I suc- 
cessful ride, I must ride the two tailed 
beast I rode to victory erstwhile. 
When last I approached the beast he 
knew me, and heard me, and allowed 
me to approach, and when I spiked 
him so he could not run, he gave me a 
most ungodly and hellish look. How 
can I, most loyal grateful friend, 
mount him again ? How can I set the 
weakling yoemen, clans and boors, to 
select me for the mount ? Speak ! For 
love of the gods, speak, or shall I 
burst with impatience? How? How? 

Duke: 

Noise! Noise! NOISE! 



Earl: 

Aye, it helped, a'most did it win me 
the last joust. But we must add — 
add something, and hark ye, the most 
enticing noice is Jingling Ducats. 

Duke: 

{Showing check hook.) 

And now, by all the Ghosts, I be- 
thought me, thou did'st understand! 
Know I not that the sweet jingling 
noise of ducats will start bands and 
fifes and drums, the silvery tones of 
the heroice spellbinders — all, all in 
harmony with this? {waves check 
hook) The swaying leaves on the 
trees, the song of birds, nor yet the 
swish of fair ones' draperies, make 
music half so sweet a noise as when 
the invisible opens and turns the 
leaves of his check book. 

Earl: 

But the hungry knaves with ink and 



8 



press, who print pamphlets for half 
wits to read? 



Duke: 

Peace. Peace, my lord. Hast forgot- 
ten— Must I prick my conscience to 
provoke thy memory? The dogs of 
law were baying at my door, and thou 
drovest them with they scepter to their 
dirty kennels, saying that thou gavest 
me warrant to break the law just 
once. Ne'er forgettest thy servant, 
that eve thou didst usher me gently 
without the back portals of the Pal- 
ace, wherein I had entered. Swore I 
by yonder moon and by the thousand 
fires on our forges that I wouldst 
serve thy royal person, would even 
swear 'twas necessary to break the law 
to save the kingdom from poverty, and 
testify, if so be 'twas needed, to thy 
most holy hatred of the highball ! 



The Fool laughs. 



Earl: 

How now — fool — save thy stupidity, 

The Fool : 

Marry my Lord, 'twould be as hard 
to save my stupidity as for you to 
save your honesty — 

Earl: 

What means the fool? 



Fool: 
Tis no riddle — How shall one save 
that which he hath not and never had ? 



Earl: 

You waste your time on him — Talk 
more — more of this coming contest. 
Since it hath come to pass that we 
have means for the noise, remember 
that the louts and pinheads, will not 
all sit as judges in the next joust on 



10 



the Cago field. But many owls and 
bats, who seeking provender and pie 
may be cool — How bestir them ? 

Duke: 

Again I say, noise — noise — noise — 
then more noise. 

Earl: 

I must prepare the setting. What be 
think you of a trip abroad? Return- 
ing like conquering Hero, with strange 
skins of strange animals, and stranger 
talk, or should I be received by Kings, 
and return with new Rivers on the 
map ? ril discover new continents if so 
be 'tis needed — Birds with hair and 
snakes with feathers. Ye gods, how 
well I remember how in broad 
brimmed hat I bestrode the Bronco 
and punched the Bull. 

Fool : 
Aye, Aye, My Lord, and then how 
beautifully thou didst throw it. 



11 



Earl: 




Throw what ? 




Fool: 




That which you 


punched, 


Earl : 




The Bull? 




Fool : 




Aye, My Lord. 





The Earl to The Duke 
What means the fool ? 



Duke: 

It shows his breeding. 'Tis a low and 
vulgar expression, which meaneth that 
your Royal Highness would flatter and 
deceive. 



12 



The Earl to The Fool : 

Begone fool, we are weary of idiots. 

Fool: 
And yet ye part not? 

Earl: 

Well, stand then and hold thy lip. 

Fool: 

Lip service is cheap. Silence is golden, 
and mine shall be without alloy. 

Earl: 

Silence, or by all the gods ril— Fll 
break thy neck. 

The fool hows as he feels of his 
neck. 

Earl : Turning to the Duke — 

I'll go — Tomorrow's rising sun shall 
find me packing my sword and spurs. 

13 



I'll go and when I return 'twill be to 
make more noise when the meet shall 
come on the field at Cago. Look ye to 
it, that the slaves who print, save the 
first page for me. Buy the largest 
type. Oh, ye gods of merriment, how 
shake my sides when I do but see a 
pinhead shake and stutter and rave, 
when he but sees how much abused am 
I, and hear him shout my name, incited 
thereto by much ink in large type, fol- 
lowed by sounding brass and tinkling 
cymbals— But come my best heart 
— it interesteth me much that Ducats 
come from these. Is it possible they 
love me? By the Ghost of Harriman 
do they love me? 



Duke: 

Once I met a horse chained to a post. 
For some grievance I had at the game 
I struck him in the nose. The horse 
never loved me, but was always in- 
terested in my every- move. 

14 



Earl : 

Good — Good — I care not a bodkin 
point why, so long as they serve. 
Good — Good — But when shall the 
noise begin? I am weary — for two 
whole days no one has drawn my por- 
trait or shouted "bravo" as I have 
passed. 



Duke : 

'Tis all set. The dolts about the field 
of Cago, when next we joust, are even 
now preparing for the fray, we have 
the fire set. 'Twill be so timed that 
when they meet 'twill seem as if hell 
itself has broken loose. Men, women 
and children shall march shouting for 
the Earl of Royster Ray. Songs are 
being written. Spellbinders will tell 
the people that you alone can save the 
nation from death. Even now we have 
the opening scene — set for the field of 
Cago. As soon as your ship is far 
away. 



IS 



Earl: 

Bully — Bully — Dear Friend — as hun- 
gry as a she wolf, am I to hear the 
plan. 

Duke : 

Well then. We have arranged that 
John, heir apparent to all the offices 
of the kingdom, shall hire a hall — and 
buy sounding brass, and with his own 
sheckels pay — 

The Fool laughing immoderately. 

Earl: 

What — John who breaketh the win- 
dows with his voice? John who with 
the devils' imp Adam, of Mesota, 
heckled my moose, when last I rode? 
Ye gods — 

To The Fool, 

Be silent Speak, — May Satan 

burn you. Speak,— Why laughest 
thou? Speak, I say. 



16 



Fool: 

By my beard, how must I Speak and 
at the same time be silent — I'll try 
(laughing). The Duke doest joke 
with thee, or he has been most woe- 
fully put upon. John of Cago, know 
you he was born in the dark of the 
moon and hath a birthmark of a bat's 
head and wing on his breast. Mothers 
rush their children by his roof lest 
they become cross-eyed or bandy- 
legged. The wisest old owl in the 
kingdom when first he saw John, 
shouted "hoo — do" — 'Tis but a fool 
who speaks, but if you would ride to 
win, find first the strongest mount 
against you and persuade the rider to 
hire John of Cago for his mascot. 

Bethink oh, my master — before he 
can sing thy praises, he must swallow 
all the foul words he heaped upon you, 
and if by God's grace he can swallow 
them all he will be so full his song 
will be the buzzard's lay and drive 



17 



away the small fish attracted by our 
noise. Hear again my silence, I fear 
'twas that unholy Fat Duke of Haven, 
sent some cunning enemy to hire for 
you a hoo — doo — instead of a mascot. 



Earl : 

Be silent fool — If so be a slip was 
made, at any time we will put John of 
Cago in the 'A' class with Annanias, 
and drive him to the support of our 
enemies. I can say and you will swear 
it, that we know him not and want him 
not. — There's always a way. 

The Clown singing : 
There's always a way, 
There's always a way, 
To get away, 
To get away, 
with it. 

The Earl of Roystkr Ray : 

Silence fool. Lead on, we follow. 



18 



To The Duke, 
Good night. Oh; Yes, see that the 
horse keeps interested. Send a million 
of my Bull puncher portraits west, put 
in large ink in the daily pamphlets 
near our coast, that I alone can pro- 
tect them from our enemies — keep my 
old mount the moose, well fed, not for 
running, but to keep the two tailed 
beast interested enough to let me ride. 
God watch over you. Good night. 

(Starting to leave, turns around,) 
As life is dear, forget not my por- 
traits. 

The Earl continues hesitatingly 
looking at pictures and shows 
them to the Duke of Perkum. 

Which likest thou best? The khaki 
suit^ — the cowboy hat — or likest thou 
me best astride the hustings, with open 
mouth, with disheveled hair, distended 
arms, sawing the air, and proclaiming 
my own endorsement. 'Tis most im- 



19 



portant and as thou lovest me, speak 
thy true heart. 



Duke : 

I lovest all thy attitudes, but if my 
poor judgement is sought, as to which 
will encompass our desire, then say I 
all. Some suckers are snared and fish 
are fowled by light in the night. There- 
fore lights, — red lights, must be a part 
of our noise. There must be spangles, 
ribbons and bands, as a part of our 
noise. Our Hero's portraits, another 
part wisely distributed. For the plains, 
the sombrero, saddle, and schaps. In 
the valleys the long-tailed coat. But 
where high-brows teach school and vie 
with Solomon in flirtation with wis- 
dom, there my noble Lord's portrait 
will serve best in student's cap and 
gown. 

The Earl and Duke go off look- 
ing at portraits, the fool follows 



20 



shouting ''Long live the Earl of 

Royster Ray!' 
The Fool returning soliloquises. 
"Be silent," he says, "but 'tis my soul 
to a cork I'll wager I get two pints of 
sack extra for that noise." "Huzza for 
the Earl of Royster Ray,— Long live 
the Earl of Royster Ray." {listening) 
Yes he hears me. This means holi- 
days and casks of sack, till in the mak- 
ing of noise I am required. {Listen- 
ing goes to entrance, returning) He 
heard me not, Til save my throat and 
dry it not in a cause that killeth not 
the drouth. 

How the fickle goddess of success 
and the wanton nymph of flattery 
doeth befuddle the mind of man. Ere 
my master was king, he was natural, 
but elected then success lead him to 
the door of the palace and left him as 
food for flattery, as death will lay us 
in our graves as banquet for worms. 

"Oh, King, how strong you are, see 



21 



the muscles that stand upon thy arm." 
From thence hitherto hath he made 
punching bags of all about the palace. 

''Oh, King, how beautifully thou 
sitteth upon the horse." Then the 
growth of the stable. 

"Oh, King, how eloquent thou art," 
then rehersals and hatred for Demos- 
thenese and Cicero. 

"Oh, King, Master of the chase," 
then dead monkeys and stuffed snakes 
and toads enough to fill the every caul- 
dron of the witch. 

"Ah, King, how wise thou art," then 
great chunks of wisdom fall from his 
lips, while he bemoans the folly of 
Solomon and gives unerring mind to 
all cosmos, from the care of teething 
children to the building of a nation. 
I once did hear him pipe a note, had 
the pastry eater been present he would 
have said in ecstasy, "Oh King more 
— music. Thou wert born for music," 



22 



but I poor fool told him, 'twas an ear- 
splitting and most ungodly racket he 
made. He deprived me of some pay 
and much liquid provender, but since 
he singeth not, methinks 'twas damned 
good bargain I made in dealing out the 
truth. 

Oh, MY wanton witch, christened — ' 
nay never christened — but named" 
flattery, how hast thou turned my mas- 
ter's mind. Thy wagging oily tongue 
he hears as gospel, and by thy devilish 
cuteness hath he become so enamored 
of his ego that if he behold himself in 
the glass he blushes and bows with 
heart throbs as youth doth to beauty. 
And midst all the worry and wars of 
the world he standeth within the cen- 
ter. If so be he maketh the world 
agree with him, he will ride, one or 
both of the beasts at Cago. 

But tarry fool, 'tis said the two- 
tailed beast hath memory, memory is 
the foundation on which are built love 



23 



and hate, gratitude and revenge. He 
may not mount. Well wait and see, 
while on his pay roll I'll serve him, nor 
will I ever desert a check book that 
hath no red ink station within its cov- 
ers. 

(curtain.) 



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